12.22.10

Yesterday I came from the hospital to get a thorough check up on my waning health. Not because I wanted to, but my best friend and girlfriend were on my back about it. And yeah, they had to firmly push me to go. So I went. And yes, I feared for what my doctor would say. Got diagnosed for acute bronchitis, acute laryngitis and ameobiasis. Like one acute condition isn't enough I get all three. (sniff)  When I was on my way home, I was surprised at how I was getting treatment from people around me. Particularly the ones I loved. In my previous post, it was written there that...  21. Your job will not take care of you when you are sick. Your family and friends will. - Hmm...I remember the conversation I had with Ato about not falling in love with your work. You can love what you do sure, but never fall inlove with your work. And there it goes, simply put that your job will not take care of you. And next to Richie, Ato and Chriez are my family now. Its the circle I feel I am part of. The realm where I can be myself and not worry about being judged or condoned.    Today, she made a conscious effort of coming all the way from Cavite (where she's from) to my place. And mind you, I am from Teacher's Village Quezon City. She brought food for both Anna, me and herself. I refused to eat because I wasn't hungry. Maybe because the meds don't really make me eat consider the tummy tantrums I'm having with  the occasional throw ups. She literally fed me, nursed me and even took me to Red Ribbon after drinking my meds. Got me my fave salad and cake.  I am amazed how much she has grown into our relationship. How much she cares for me. How much secured I feel with her around. She use to be so nonchalant. But now, she guards me like a hawk. She monitors my every move and yes, she has claimed me hers.  Indeed I am happy, ecstatic even at how much attention I get from her. She may say she can go on without seeing me, but she finds ways to make it a point to see each other if not everyday, the least apart we are from each other is a day or two. But not more than that. She calls every so often, specially now that I'm bedridden-sick. I haven not felt so cared for in a long time. Much more "this" kind of caring.  When I think of all these, I am reminded of the fact that things can go bad...but they definitely can change....

To Share This

1. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

2. Don't have negative thoughts of things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment

3. Don't over do; keep your limits

4. Don't take yourself so seriously; no one else does

5. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip

6. Dream more while you are awake

7. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need..

8. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner of his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.

9. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.

10. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present

11. No one is in charge of your happiness except you

12. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn.

Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.

13. Smile and laugh more

14. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

15. Call your family often

16. Each day give something good to others

17. Forgive everyone for everything

18. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6

19. Try to make at least three people smile each day

20. What other people think of you is none of your business

21. Your job will not take care of you when you are sick. Your family and friends will. Stay in touch.

22. Put GOD first in anything and everything that you think, say and do.

23. GOD heals everything

24. Do the right things

25. However good or bad a situation is, it will change

26. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up

27. The best is yet to come

28. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful

29. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it 30. If you know GOD you will always be happy. So, be happy.


While you practice all of the above, share this knowledge with the people you love, people you school with, people you play with, people you work with and people you live with.
Not only will it enrich YOUR life, but also that of those around you.

Randy Pausch He died of pancreatic cancer in 2008, but wrote a book ‘The last lecture” before then, one of the bestsellers in 2007. What a legacy to leave behind… In a letter to his wife Jai and his children, Dylan, Logan , and Chloe, he wrote this beautiful "guide to a better life" for his wife and children to follow. May you be blessed by his insight.

Tagaytay Weekend Part 1

With Abbi - waiting for the rest of the boys

In transit to Tagaytay

Clowning around the lobby

Adjie, myself & Abbi at the lobby

La Familia TTG - lol - at Andoks Tagaytay

Waiting for Take Out

The Boy's room - with overflowing chicha

CHRIEZ: Picture ka ng picture, kumain ka na!

Too little heads, too many food...what to do

half circle..drinking...

There you go Tequilla...straight up

Official photographers - C_c

The Chivas Legend....

Next round....chivas

Good morning neighbors...

@ Rowena's

FREE breakfast...and Barako authentica

Cranky & Hungry

Yan, late na kasing gumising...

controversial bouquet...

Reviewing the menu???

Singit shot ni Paolo

TechTeam Global Training Department

Solb!

Where's the head? Where's the head?

Kiss The Cook 12.15.10

Had dinner with Anna today at Kiss The Cook. It was sumptious, if I may say. But what got me realizing were the things said over dinner and during dessert. I saw another yet, different side of her that normally doesn't come out. Sigh...what I mean is that, it doesn't manifest that often or atleast it doesn't come out like that a lot. I'm talking about the way she sees our relationship. The way she actually talks about it, is pretty much the same way I do, but watching her talk about it. Watching her talk about it with Anna, is a different level. You may think its shallow, or petty. But I still know its a big deal for both her and me. You see, she doesn't open up much. Only to her decade friends and me. A little with her mom sure, and her bro. But aside from them---us, nada.

Fascinated by the way she spoke to Anna about us. The ins and outs of our relationship. How our relationship actually works from our point of view. Mind you, she spoke from "our" point of view and not just from hers. That tells a lot. Atleast ofcourse were on the same page. As I was saying, she explained everything to Anna in her own way. How she chose her words, how see simply laid it down.

"You think, our relationship is perfect? Ofcourse not, whatever my weaknesses are, is her strength. And whatever her weaknesses are, are my strengths. We don't try to be perfect, were opposites. But we balance ourselves with each other. We keep it balanced. You think we never run out of things to talk about when were together, but that's not just it. We may be together at work, but we don't talk--acknowledge each other sure, but not spend time at the office with each other. At the end of the day, we get together, were together and we ask how our day was. How each other spent their day. And each day is always something different. Something new. She tells me everything that goes on with you, at your house. I tell her my thoughts and that's how we communicate. Don't think she doesn't worry about you, cause she does. She worries a lot about you when were off work together. Just be open about your thoughts and share them with us. You should learn to communicate."

Watching her talk about us from that angle is "kilig" moments for me. It means a lot because I know she's taking our relationship to another level. To a serious level. She appreciates me. Exactly the way I am.

She whispers to me how she's gonna miss me since our schedules don't match anymore. And, that, just blew me away.

Men Are Like...Just something witty to share...

MEN are like....

Now days, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.


1. Men are like . .... Laxatives . ..... They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like. Bananas ....... The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like ...... Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like . Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like ..... Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like .... Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

8. Men are like ..... . Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like .... . Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like ... Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like ........... Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like P arking Spots .......... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow. No, not the song by Annie but we mark our first month together. Ü  Its not fast, its not slow. Just well paced I'd say for a month of being together. If I were younger I'd be hopeful of what the other months would bring, but I know better. Still take one day at a time, and sure hope and have little plans here and there from time to time but keep basically simple by just taking one day at a time.

I've given her my pre-month present of our caricature of our first photo ever taken. Kudos to my best girl, Aimee. She took the photo, which was meaningful enough considering that was the night we "officially" came out in the open about our relationship. Us to my friends, and later that night, us to hers.  

Twas also the day, she asked me if I were happy about our admitting of our relationship. Of course I was! Damn straight! We've been keeping it under wraps and toned down for the past three weeks, that coming out of that phase relaxed me. So did it with her as well. 

I can only look back on what the month was. There was the flirting, the affair with our eyes during training and the drinking sessions that led to what it is now. Not that I had to be intoxicated to realize but the booze sure help her spill how she feels about me. About us. Don't forget the pancakes and coffee and my braces. How significant. 

I'm happy. I guess it eminently shows when were together. People notice it, I mean people who don't even know us. Random strangers who look our way, or give us comments like we look fresh together or that we were happy. I'm glad we have this effect on each other. And  yes, I hate to admit it, but I've soften up since we've been together. 

Not another question of why I glow when I'm with you...I guess I like it being with you...

Listening to Tiffany Alvord's THE REASON IS YOU...

w.49 unveiled

What is it that other people see that sometimes baffles me when they say it? I asked Chriez over one of our random conversations. Hmmm...

We were ordering our coffees to fill in my bestfriend's late birthday gift planner when after giving our orders, Aileen the barista says: "That will be for here right? You have beautiful eyes C!" and turns to make our coffee. I was caught off-guard. All I uttered was a thank you and a smile. Then I look over to my side and see Chriez smiling differently at me. I blushed---meaning cheeks turning gray... Then when we went back to U-view, I told her that, that comment surprised me. She said: "You do have beautiful eyes. And I didn't realize that until she mentioned it. And you have this certain glow everytime you're with me." I couldn't say anything when she said that. I smiled and kissed her instead. 

Then there would be instances that people around us, specially our friends, would say that we both look different when were together. It should be a good thing right? I think I do look different, feel different with her around. Even my bestfriend says so. She mentioned being my best with Chriez around. Maybe I'm inlove. Maybe I am.

I can take photos forever. I can and will always capture whatever we have now and during one of our talks over lunch I told her how much I value and protect the bond we have. The relationship we are in. So far, we've managed to be well off in terms of work and personal life. We've managed to keep both at bay without complicating the other part with the other. 

I can never thank her enough for discovering  a lot in me. If I can tell her, I will. But I won't say it unless I know she's ready to say it.

Careful...

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.... but she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you..." The girl looked at him, then said, "NO." Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.... so she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call.

Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened....? Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

Smitten

The song that plays on my ipod comes on, Nsync’s “Drive Myself Crazy”. I smile at the thought of how my weekend went. Another joyous event to mark a great week ahead.

I ended my Friday shift at 11pm. She was done with her team bonding earlier than that so she waited for me at Coffee Bean along A. Avenue where I hurriedly went to after work. There she was tired from the weeks activities and work schedule. I kissed her head and asked how she was before she could get up and hail a cab to head home. I was excited. First weekend together at her place. Not that I haven’t been to her place. I have been before but not spend an entire weekend there. She hails a cab and we discuss how our week went and dozed off she goes. It wasn’t a long ride home. Woke her up and got it the door and spent a few hours getting steamy before calling it a night.

We wake Saturday afternoon and didn’t make any serious plans. Just head to the grocery and do some ingredient shopping. She wanted to have pork sinigang for dinner and something special for breakfast the following day. So we bought the pork, gabi, mustard and kangkong. It had been ages since I last cooked for my partner. And indeed ages. I didn’t even cook for my 3 year relationship. :-p

I’m glad she loved the dinner. She ate a lot. We had a very simple and romantic dinner, at her home of course. And it didn’t have to be candlelit or anything but it was just perfect. Then there was just chilling in their living room and talking about our relationship in the later part of the weekend. She said, that if management asked whether we were in a relationship, she said she will confirm it. Which means I also had to come clean with my top management colleagues. And yes, definitely. I’m glad she think s that way and I think she’s ready to go public and admit it. (Now that I finished this article, and I’m at work, its actually not a big deal after all) ?

She asked me: “How do you see yourself with me?” It was something I asked myself earlier that day when she was opening the gate to bring in the car. And answering her wasn’t as hard as I thought. I told her: “You’re someone I see myself being with for a very long time. Someone I will definitely take seriously.” She kept quiet for a while and said she wanted to break it of. Not only did it alarm me, but I felt the urge to get up and leave, regardless the time of the night. But I held on, held on the belief that she was overwhelmed with the feeling and she just didn’t know how to respond to all the good things that were happening to her. And I was right. She admitted to it. Later that same night she said, words I will never get over with even if it took us nine years being with each other: “Ok I will say this. I see myself with you. You are someone I will take seriously, its just all of these are overwhelming. Its all new to me after all the years of being single. And you know my pattern right? But with you it doesn’t apply. Ayaw ng tadhana na magkaroon ako ng iba, pero pagdating sa iyo walang hindrance. Tuwing nagkakalakad ako with the others, hindi matuloy talaga. It really doesn’t apply to you.”

I would have done cartwheels all the way back to QC!

Sunday evening was even better. She introduced me to her friends. Her friends that she’s been with the past 10 years or so. There was Det and Jen, Pat and Pam. I wasn’t able to meet May and Mel and I think there was also Belle and a couple more. ? It went well. They said they were happy for us. In addition they had comments that she was happy. It was nice that Pam, Pat’s girlfriend even cleaned their home when they found out she was bringing her girlfriend along. As warm as my friends took us in, they showed us equally the same warmth and blessings as well.

Monday morning we wake to a good breakfast shared with her brother. And decided to start saving. She came out clean with how much she was earning, how much she has right now and discussed saving for the next months that are to come. Had dinner before our 9pm shift and went to work and puckered up our poker faces and rolled with the 8hour grind.

Forty-Six

There you go.

Friday evening we leave everything behind and head for the door. Finally, the weekend. We planned to have it all to ourselves, maybe a day or two. Just as long as the weekend.

We headed off to Coffee bean and discussed a few hot items at work. I knew she had much to say about her week launch and all. And so I listened. Intently if I may say.  In an hour or so we left the coffee strip and headed to our weekend getaway. Checked in our bags and headed to our room. Whew! Finally the weekend to ourselves.

We went out for dinner at a nearby grill and had a few many to drink and headed back to our room. Steamy? not quite....Sizzling hot weekend...yes.

The following morning was even better. Breakfast together at Tokyo Cafe, got dressed and watched a movie, did a few shopping before that and had a later dinner after. We even went for a one a.m. massage at a famous spa in the area. Had a couple's massage and headed home. Made love a bit and slept the rest of the morning off.

Sunday came and i can never been happier. We woke up to a lazy sunday morning and decided to go to Conti's at Serendra. We ordered our brunch and talked our way into dessert.

Then she said it. She admitted she cares for me. And not just like me. But really care for me already. And from someone like her, these things don't come easy. But she has laid her feelings for me right after dessert. I was speechless and wanted to jump up and down the aisle of cafes. But I had to contain myself. As if that wasn't ecstatic enough, she wanted to spend time with me...she said: "I want to spend the rest of the day with you. Enjoy the remaining hours of being with you." This sent me soaring to the roofs! Emotionally elevating.

She went home, got some stuff to wear for work the next day and we met up again. Went over to my best friend's place to attend the baby shower for Kat and spent quality time with the boys and my best friend. Toward the later part of the evening, Paolo, one of the boys that make up the core team, the same group we call our friends, called a drinking session. Given that we haven't been together in a week or so under one drinking table we all met up.

Jerz and Abby were there. Francis came late but made it. Paolo was first to be there of course and Chriez and I were there next.  It surprised me yet again, when she finally declared our relationship to everyone. She got their attention and spoke to everyone about it. There you go. Laid it all down for us to see. It was like something you'd share with people who are only close to you. And when she did that, the boys gave us their blessings. Sure the teasing won't stop but what's life without them? lol

We concluded the day by going home after all the booze and food. We all headed our own way.

She went to work and I called to work from home. She went drinking with her trainees after work and asked me to go out for dinner. We met at Coffee Bean, a different branch, and headed to Cyma. A greek restaurant she fancies. After dinner we headed for coffee and till now as I stare at her angelic face sleeping, I can not imagine how I'll be able to go from today moving forward without her now...

I Just Thought of Saying So

I was humming the other day Glee's version of Only Exception when I realized something. Maybe, just maybe there is such a thing as believing in falling inlove again. Sure I'm in a relationship now, just recently as a matter of fact, but I hate to admit that I haven't said the L word yet and I don't think I will anytime soon. Quite honestly, I am enjoying the singleness I have. That not worrying about someone else's feelings if I played in the circle. That I can flirt with my office mate and not feel bad about it..or go on dates on weekends without considering other people's feelings on it...
But then again, I AM single...atleast not until he comes home and pops the question and then maybe, just maybe I'll straighten up. LOL

In A Relationship?

♥How would you define a relationship? Sure it is generally a tie or degree of kinship or intimacy, but how do you know it’s a real one? That it is an existent understanding between the two of you?

♥I want to know.

♥I have my own reservations. Yes, when I was younger I’d go with the main conclusion that as long as we agreed on being together as a couple and do what couples do, then yes, we are in a relationship. But after my traumatic relationship with my gay-user-not-up-to-no-good ex boyfriend, things have made a 360° for almost everything I believed in. Or thought I believed in. Among them I’d say is being in a relationship.
A few years back I went out with Dennis. He was older than me by several years. At first it started out to be a real online friendship before it became a serious relationship which lasted for a couple of years as well.Then I met Kai, now my ex-girlfriend as well. Things pretty got screwed when I went for ms. gay philippines after.

♥And just before the weekend, while Dennis and I were online it just happened. We've been keeping in touch even then that I was in a relationship with my exes. So its no surprise he knows what had been going on since 2005. Anyhu, when he said he was staying with me when he gets here in January it got me thinking. Pretty assertive eh? And with how our messages where being thrown from one screen to another, I had to ask him if we were exclusive. He said yes unless "I" had others. I had to make it clear that he was actually getting involved with me (again) for the record. He said yes.

♥Well, I refuse to change my facebook status from single to in a relationship with. Told him I won't change it till he changes his status first. Nothing wrong with that. Just don't wanna initiate it.

♥The odd thing is, my heart didn't beat like I just run a triathlon around MOA. My head didn't spin like being in a roller coaster backward. I didn't broadcast to all or sms send to all that I'm happily involved with someone again. Hmmm....and honestly, I don't think I'm inlove. Or near the idea of it, anyways. Have I grown numb for all the hurt I had to go thru? Had I been masked by the fear of really being able to feel the glorious sensations of being in love? I could only shrug.

♥What if this relationship comes to end with us being husband and wife for convenience sake. For the purpose that were both not getting any younger and that it benefits both of us? What if?

♥So, tell me, how would you define a real relationship?

Glenmont Weekend Part I

So I sat beside my best friend on their couch and before I could even begin an opening remark she cut off by saying: "So what, I read your blog and..." trailing after her sentence. All I could do is smile. Emphasizing that "We're just friends" part of my sentence. Being like my older sister, she warned me; "Just because you're lonely doesn't mean that you forget what he has done to you." she says. I nodded. Of course I wouldn't. Who would forget something that's already tattooed within my being? Not unless I be reincarnated as Marcel the shell will I ever forget what I've gone through with him. And no, I'm not THAT lonely to get into a relationship with him. Maybe it just happened and left at that. I won't be seeing him anytime soon that I know of. We haven't spoken in days so I'm not keeping my hopes up. I'd like to think of it as, something that just had to happen. It wasn't even a special event. It just did.
As I headed up to sleep that night, I was thinking. He said, it was just like old times. Some part of me agrees. He said he didn't want to hurt me again. That was for sure, cause I cleared to him that it wasn't going anywhere near that. I told him I'm cool us being friends, which is better cause we could have been that a long, long time ago if we only knew how to deal with it then. ♥

In The Same Place

I

It fascinates me that in the most unexpected way things fall either in their right position or they just have a way of returning to you when you least expect it. 

I've been itching to text my best friend what happened, why it happened and all the juicy details you usually share with the closest person to you. 

Meeting at 4am isn't an ideal meet up time if you ask me. But then again, its been several months since we last saw each other. I obliged. Meeting for breakfast and discussing what to drink after.  We headed back to my place still talking about how things had been for the past months.

After a few bottles of beer, we dozed off. He had to get back to work at six and I needed sleep after being awaken at 4.

I got up around a few hours of sleep, looked over the weight that was on me and realized he was actually here. Something I  didn't deem possible to happen after all the years of being apart. I pushed back his leg and succumbed to my sleeping. And the unexpected. I felt his arms wrap around me. I felt his breath on my nape...

I was glinting when it was over. He kissed my cheek and I just smiled. He went back to sleep so did I. But I thought I could just doze off something like that. I never sleep for pleasure. It had to be in a relationship or have feelings involved. But me? I didn't feel anything. No love in a malicious context. No longing of being bound by his flesh. No remorse for doing so after. I really don't know. Now that I think about it, it just happened. I didn't even ask him how it felt like again. We are, after all, each others first love. 9 years together then was no joke. And when I thought about it, maybe that's why it didn't feel different because we had so much with each other then. When we started speaking to each other a year ago, it was indeed overwhelming. We caught up with each other through sms, emails and skype. (ahh the technologies) I don't even know if I could answer other questions I'll encounter later ---depends how crazy my mind would work again. But some things I know are he cares for me, and I do too...in a level we never knew we had till several months ago. What happened wasn't closure, that I am certain. Seven years is too late for closure don't you think? Were content with what this is we have. No expectations. No demands. Nothing but friendship. A friendship only him and I understand. Not your regular "fubu"  as they coin it. 

I don't love him. Come to think of it, I have stopped believing in the whole vocabulary of the feeling. I don't think I have something like that in the torn yet into pieces heart of mine. But loving him in a platonic way maybe--but beyond that, I don't even think we'll get back with each other. Its too late for that now. 

I guess its all I have to say till I wake up tomorrow. ♥

In My Head

Before my monthly board meetings I'm a basket case. I run from one department to another. I cram information from one person to the other. I have to pound each staff and employee for output they should have done two weeks before the said meeting. Oh well.

I'm not blogging about the dead serious stuff. I just want it out of my head.

I have never felt this ecstatic about someone. Whenever he touches my hand. Moves close to me, I shiver. I get a very good grasp of how it feels to be a high school student with a college crush over again. He puts a smile on my face. He greets me. Sometimes he sends me text messages. I reply as well. He smiles at me--a lot. At one time I thought he gave me this look. I knew exactly what it was but I'd rather ignore it and won't flatter myself about it. My friends know about it. Know about him. And I told them, it won't work. I don't even know to begin with if he likes me or not--for starters, I think I'm entitled to know right? At the same time, he doesn't know if I like him or not. Or does he.  Going back, that's one of the reasons I can't fathom to be with him. He's my subordinate. And yes, it matters a lot to me cause it a situation that takes a lot to keep. Takes a lot to hide from the discerning eyes and criticism of narrow-minded people around. Sure I could always say I don't care what they say, but the thing is, I do.

I like him  a lot now. I'm scared cause I know where this could lead. I know myself well enough to tell me to stop when I know the smell of the wind that cliff drives at. And I don't think I'm ready. Whether it be a serious, committed relationship exchange of all or a non-existent boyfriend girlfriend relationship that might as well resemble puff in  the making...I'm not ready. I said I know myself well enough. But I never said I knew where this is going.

Again, I don't even know if he likes me.

That's Alright, 13

♥Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
Well that's alright because I love the way you lie
I Love the way you lie ♥

I was watching Eminem and Rihanna's latest video when the lyrics of this song made me think. I'm not in a relationship right now. I don't  really think I will be in one anytime soon. Or anytime at all. But I do have someone I  endear so much. She's one of the sweetest person I know, atleast here at work. I've only gone out with her once. And I wish there were more of those 5 hour long talks over coffee and pasta. Sigh. She was also the first person I've laid eyes on on my first day at work. Instantly I've liked her, but I don't think its right to say its a possibility to fall inlove with her.  I wish, really I could. But I won't. And I can't.

The lyrics that say there might not be a next time may mean differently to me. Not because there is a possibility of her and me.  But because, there might not be a next time for me to tell her these. And it doesn't matter much. I've decided not to tell her how I feel. Let her think at the back of her head what could have been if she knew. Let her think how could she have reacted and acted after she finds out. Leave her to have these crazy thoughts in her head. Soon enough she'll come running to me and asking me to spill it.

So, really, that's alright.

What Vanilla Taught Me

I was in tears when I sat infront of my desk and noticed Vanilla's belongings. His huge cat bed, his bowl, his milk and his barely done box of kitten instinctive. I looked so hard at them that tears clouded my eyes from looking. I remember his meows...I recall the way he would make 'kwento' whenever I'd take him into my arms. He's little antics like scratching atop the piled clipboards at the frontdesk. Screaming like he was in pain if ever I mention I was giving him to one of my friend doctors. Or the little way he says "no" when I ask him if he'd like to play with tita Sarah.

I haven't had deaths like this. Sure my work place has its once in a while deaths, but having to go thru it from a different position is a total different story.

Vanilla thought me one of the most valuable lessons there is. Empathy. Understanding how much these little glitches in at work can mess things us. Can destroy reputations. And can financial cause the company a big loss. He may have been an instrument in opening my eyes to see the bigger picture. He has opened another chapter for me to read, to understand and to communicate. He has been the chosen one to tell all of these without even breathing a word. It was Vanilla who told me that things need to be done and things are said even in the most quietly manner. And, I believe it more now. I know that he knows how much I have loved and love him and how grateful I am for all the things he has taught me.

It is not in me to point fingers. I know what has to be done. I know what needs to be rectified. The pain is raw. The loss is deep. But the hope remains that this will and behold that won't happen to another client, friend or colleague moving forward.

Thank you my baby Vanilla. You will be missed, always.

June 21, 2010 - August 7, 2010