Wednesday, March 30, 2011

In Loving Memory - March 19, 2011-

DISCLAIMER:  If you have no intent of being compassionate or empathic about what I  am about to share, I suggest you move on to your previous activity. The last thing I need right now is mockery or insult. Otherwise, you're still reading.

I don't know how I even started writing tonight. For days now I have been secluded to the far realms of facing the biggest loss up to date. If you've read my previous blog "The Toughest Decision" this is the continuation.

Two Saturdays ago was the most painful day of my life. For this once I will speak on MY behalf. It is, MY blog after all. On the knowledge of giving up my babies (Lemony [5]; Kiwi [3]; Oncey [2]; Cofi [11/2] & Tiggy [1]) we headed to P.A.W.S. to have them taken in if not adopted at first sight. Surprise! Surprise! I would say, when we got there, this lady by the name of Anna attended to us. And may I say, she is the heartless of them all considering the way she treated us. Life's a bitch, you don't need to be one. She started speaking about not being able to help us and said there is nothing for her to do but take their pictures and post them up for adoption. She spoke on and on and on but my ears were shut from the hurt that I was already feeling and my brain just directed my body to feel one emotion that minute. Numbness. All she said was a blur. All her actions seems like a slow yet fast paced scene from the movie when everybody around you is scurrying from here to there and you're stuck rooted to where you're seated watching everything go by so fast. And I sat there, eyes swollen and tears just about to fall again.  I can not believe this woman! I stepped out, following her advice to talk it over with Chriez.

We took out our phones, made phone calls, sent massive text messages and for each reply I only got one reply. No one was willing to take them in.  And as if it wasn't hurtful enough, Anna came back with the option of, yes, you're thinking right. Either bring them to the pound (and sure have them slaughtered and abused) or euthanize them. All five of them.

WTF?! Was all I remember my brain screaming over and over again together with the two letter word NO. Over and over again my brain suddenly came to life screaming my ears off inside. I sat there. Unable to look my partner in the eye with the form in her right hand. Courtesy again of Anna. In that exact moment where you had no choice but to sign the form, when all people you thought cared for you just vanished into thin air and those who really cared, offered their silence and empathy, there were no words coming from my mouth but the cries of my pain. And how on earth would I ever live to that? How?

I muttered: "Fine. Sign the damn form." to her and broke down like all hell broke loose. She took me in her arms and let me weep. I wanted to faint. I wanted to scream. I wanted to run back and take all five in my arms and run away with them. But I couldn't move. I couldn't stop my tears and I didn't care if there were people wanting to adopt some mutt behind my chair.

I sat painstakingly as she signed the forms. Her hands were shaking in each line she filled out. Her eyes were welling up in tears for I know how much they have changed a lot in the way she treats pets in general. Particularly Tiggy. Tiggy who imprinted on her some months ago. (Yes imprinting happens in real life) She probably took so long to fill the forms out I wanted to stop her every line her pen landed on. Again, I couldn't move. When Anna came back we gave her the form. But I couldn't and I DIDN'T want to talk to her. I loathed her right there and then. I did.

We waited. Instinctively, all five were too quiet. Lem, being the Mr. Congeniality that he is wasn't restless anymore. He sat inside his carrier with Cofi and Tiggy. Tiggy who's left paw was lovingly on Chriez's shoe. As he, until the last moment, was comforting her and saying, "Its all gonna be alright."

I couldn't stop crying still. Until the doctor approached me and said it was time. Shit. This was it. I sucked up all the remaining courage I had, which was down to an inch, and carried them to the clinic. I felt like exploding once we were all there. We were briefed on how it was going to be done. They were putting them to sleep. And if its any consolation, Anna adds: "They're going to put them to sleep, its just that, they won't ever wake up." Now that's comforting, I wanted to strangle her for real. When Lem was put on the stainless table, he hissed. Not because he didn't want to be put down, but he was scared too. I tried to hold my tears as we tried to locate his vein. But I gave up. I clung to Chriez for dear life and turned around. I was advised to stay out of the room as the whole thing happened. For my sanity and for my babies.

I left the room. Sat right outside where the knob of the door was inches away from my nose. I didn't budge. I absent mindlessly paced around outside like forever. I didn't hear any cry and sound at all that they struggle or they resisted. And I felt like forever. I waited anxiously like each breathe I made mattered to me now. I couldn't help it, I texted her to let me in. She did. And just when I entered the room, there I saw them in their bags, all sound asleep. They didn't look tired. They actually looked like they were actually sleeping. But I know then they were just gonna be like that. Sleeping. For eternity. I turned around after seeing them and succumbed to her chest. I couldn't breathe. Yet I kept crying.

We waited in this huge hall or room while they were brought to us one last time. All five in their carriers sound asleep. I insisted on helping them wrapped. I positioned them in the same way they positioned themselves when they curl up to us at night on our bed. Their bodies were warm but lifeless already. And we managed to dress them decently before being wrapped.  Cofi was the last one I held, and her warmth sent me crying like hell over again. Then we waited for another eternity as they dug out their graves. I wanted to really be buried with them, if you only knew how painful this was, and is for me.

They were my life. For years I have never felt so nakedly exposed to all the cruelty in the world. I was always positive cause they became my security blanket. They wrapped me with so much love and security I was tough enough to take on anything. Anything that potentially could break me. But I was so loved, I couldn't break. But that day, I broke the remaining pieces of what was left of me. I couldn't pull myself together, no matter how hard I tried. No matter how much Chriez tried to piece me whole again. I just can't. Right now.

It took me a lot of hours to sit infront of my pc to write---to finally write these. I thought a lot about how Chriez felt or feels when this topic is brought up. I thought of the partial pain she is going through as well. I thought of the words she has spoken almost a week after what happened. "It will all be in vain if we don't start anew. Start fresh with each other. You're not alone. You have me. I'm not going to leave you. They have given their life for us. If you saw them like I did, they didn't fight it at all. They behaved like they knew what was being given up for who. They loved you so much, they were willing to go."

I'm still devastated. Anything to do with them, I don't want to talk about. When repeatedly asked why did it resort to that and was there anyone willing to take them in, I replied in anguish: "All of you tell me that, but no one could tell me WHO will adopt them." and yes I am upset that this happened. So please don't try to add salt to injury by asking me over and over again why no one took them. I asked all of you the same thing, WOULD YOU HAVE TAKEN THEM IN? And you all said, No. There you go.

In Loving Memory of Kiwi Marie (Photos taken 14 hours before)

In Loving Memory of Cofi Bean  (Photos taken 14 hours before)

In Loving Memory of Lemony Crookshanks  (Photos taken 14 hours before)

In Loving Memory of Once Again (Photos taken 14 hours before)

In Loving Memory of Tiggy Miguel (Photos taken 14 hours before)  

Ohh Home. . .

View from our kitchen

View from our door - just a sneak peak at our neighborhood
Home.  Its been a tough road. I'm not saying the journey's done, it's just beginning as a matter of fact.  I have my fair (sometimes not even) share of heartaches and one just recently that changed my WHOLE life.  But I want to talk about my home. A  home where Chriez and I build and try to continually build with love and hope.

If you like Tagaytay weather, I am positively sure you will enjoy hanging around our home. The sunrise each morning at 5 or 6am is something I look forward to when I wake up. I'm not much of an early riser myself, but moving in here, is heaven in the morning and ecstasy the whole day. The breeze is something you will not be able to ignore. Its cold up here alright! Its like waking up to Tagaytay every morning! That being said, I haven't used our electric fan for almost three days now! If you haven't quite gotten a clear picture of how breezy and cool (or cold) it is here, lemme elaborate. I do the laundry, hung the wet clothes outside and two hours later, viola! They're all dry and crisp smelling! Take a whiff of that!

And that's just one of hundred things I have come to love with our new home. Sure it gets better but sometimes it gets lonely too. (Now let's not go there shall we?) :-)

I am indeed excited to wake up tomorrow. The sunrise, the fresh, crisp air and the serenity of the place is perfect. Who wouldn't look forward to that before anything else? ♥

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

A New Leaf Being Turned

Let us enter! Our room to your left, kitchen after a left, washroom to your right and Living Room as seen

Daddy by our doorway after the move

Aaaahhh MY Kitchen...
Daddy texting by the entrance
Our Hauling Truck

Daddy waiting for the truck to leave

Me watching them secure our belongings (its not much though)

Our Front Door


The First Step

Our Niche - the Entrance

Our Unit (H) - stands for "Homey" & "Happy"
March 26, 2011

A week after our deep loss we move on with our lives to our new home. A home we found just right after the loss of our five loved ones. But its a different story. I would like to share the move.

I literally dragged myself to packing the week before the move. Did a few laundry prior to the move as well. The funny thing is, the day of the awaited transfer, I was excited. I wasn't all giddy and crazy happy but in general, it felt light-hearted. A feeling I have never felt for the longest time since the "confrontation" incident. The travel was even more heart-touching. Chriez and I at the back of the cab, I know its not the most romantic place on earth to be, but her words were comforting and real. She said to me:
"We're moving on. We will be happy and you will the queen of the house...and I the king of the house ofcourse. We're going to  be alright." And I could just cry at that instant. I bit my lip and returned her kiss. I was momentarily in a daze.

Once all our stuff was inside our new home, we cleaned the place like frantic robots on a mission. We were excited about the move, we were excited to start anew with EACH OTHER.

to be continued....

Wednesday, March 16, 2011


03.15.2011 Gerry's Grill G5
For some reason I feel I'm safe with you. Whether that be a walk to the store or a trip to another city within the metro, I can not describe how secured I am with you. Its like never having to worry what's coming at yah. Which is why, with what I need to deal with on a daily basis (that doesn't get any better) makes it a bit bearable with you around. With you near me. Sure I can feel guarded and cared for with your mere voice, but nothing compares to the nearness of you...

Each time I give up and let go, right before I even do, you immediately grab me back up. Straight down that line we are heading. I shake off the feeling of loserville and smile at you. You cup my face between your hands and kiss me. A kiss that melts the harshness around me, the pain that surrounds me. I am enveloped in a capsule of overwhelming affection. For this, I can not thank you enough for. And quite recently, you've been yanking me quite a few times as well.

I can't wait to be with you this weekend again. I can't wait to be whole again. To be reminded that despite the shit around me, that not losing it and trying not to meddle with hot water is all worth it when I'm with you.

And yes, amidst it all, I am safe with you --I can not get anymore specific. ♥

Monday, March 14, 2011

Quintessential Beings v.7

Wedding Expo @ SMX MoA March 12 - 13, 2011
We attended a Wedding Expo over the weekend for a client for their eleven-eleven wedding this year. Hot date, eh? Pretty much, the same reaction we got from 95% of all suppliers in and outta expo.

Hmmm....11-11-11 is one day late from our first year anniversary. Now that I recall, how in the world will I ever pull off something as tight-shut as that? A day before our client's wedding is twenty four hours of our first 12 months and I can't be with her to spend the day? Ugh. Help...

Thursday, March 10, 2011

The Toughest Decision

For those who have no compassion towards four legged creatures with thick whiskers and soft paws, I don't think you should read through my article. Because this will not make you understand why this is hard as hell for me, you may only mock me or what I say --otherwise, read on.

A few nights ago, my partner and I were discussing contingency plans, for our relationship's sake. This came about some unfortunate confrontation from where we currently stay. It was a shock really cause the lines thrown at us were indeed hurtful. Words I've never heard spoken with so much anger and emotion in it. And it hurt us a lot. But that's not why I'm sharing.  Later that evening when we got cozy snugged under sheets, we started talking. A practice we never fail to do in our relationship, regardless how unpleasant the topic is or how fascinating it is. In between giggles and teasing about dreams, I kept quiet and looked her square in the eye. Without batting an eyelash, I said: "I've been wanting to ask you this for some time now, but  I don't know how and I believe its about time I did. (took a deep breath and continued) Will you be asking me to give up my cats in the near future?"

She said yes. But when I said future I didn't mean next month. (Plates crashing) Earlier, she and I agreed to go to CARA (Compassion And Responsibility for Animals) if not this weekend, next week. And with this feeling swelling up in me, my eyes won't dry out now.  Needless to say, I love my cats--yes all FIVE cats to death. I can not fathom being separate from them, but maybe, big sacrifices like these have God preparing something bigger for me than I plan for myself.  At least, that's how I'm convincing myself now.

Only a few will understand this. Me. The bond I have with all five will never compare to anything. You see, I'm alone. No, I'm not disregarding the beautiful partnership I have with her, but before "us", the six of us were tight as a pack. We've been thru a lot together. I promised never to give them up and it shatters me to pieces that that's exactly what I have to do soon.

I have to get myself together really soon. Dry my eyes like nothing happened and hold on to the hope of them being in a better family than what I can give them. I will dearly miss them. Dearly is even an understatement. Imagine if someone had to cut off your legs and pluck out your eyes? My sentiments exactly.

How do I begin to tell you how tough this decision is for me. To let go of  something that held you together for the longest time?

I'm dead scared.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Quintessential Beings v.5

Today was one of those days we got to sit and talk, heart to heart. Maybe its a tune up for us. A check that we need to do from time to time. When you asked me if there was something I wanted to say, I know there wasn't any. Not that urgent for that matter or atleast none that wouldn't well up my eyes in water. I listened to you like its was the first time I ever heard your voice. You know what, these type of conversations, scare me a lot. But with you earlier this evening, it was different. It was sane. It was, like always is, just right.

You asked me if I have regrets? I said no. Cause truth of the matter is, there had never been one since day one. How can you regret something that's God-sent? I for one, know or knew before that we were something waiting to happen. And I was right. I knew you were capable of being protective of me, and damn straight, its true. And I begin to list all that's perfect between us, I swear blogspot is gonna shut down...

This is  a tough time. We know at the end of this all that were gonna make it thru. We know damn well we will. And I can't thank you enough for all of what you've done for me and what you still continue to do for me, for us.

I'm not saying yes to a proposal that we just discussed a few weekends ago,  without a ring to go with it. No, its not what I'm asking for. I don't want to put you in that situation but indeed, I do look forward spending another 5-7 years with you. Yes, I want to have a kid if not two. Yes, I would like to stay home and have cake after cake waiting for you after dinner. Yes,  I wanna be here with you still after that. Yes.

I missed tonight actually. I mean, we use to do this atleast twice a week few weeks back. But I know whatever this situation holds for us, we will get thru and it will make our relationship and our faith stronger.

I know it doesn't mean anything to you, but I love you. And I'll leave it at that.