So I sat beside my best friend on their couch and before I could even begin an opening remark she cut off by saying: "So what, I read your blog and..." trailing after her sentence. All I could do is smile. Emphasizing that "We're just friends" part of my sentence. Being like my older sister, she warned me; "Just because you're lonely doesn't mean that you forget what he has done to you." she says. I nodded. Of course I wouldn't. Who would forget something that's already tattooed within my being? Not unless I be reincarnated as Marcel the shell will I ever forget what I've gone through with him. And no, I'm not THAT lonely to get into a relationship with him. Maybe it just happened and left at that. I won't be seeing him anytime soon that I know of. We haven't spoken in days so I'm not keeping my hopes up. I'd like to think of it as, something that just had to happen. It wasn't even a special event. It just did.
As I headed up to sleep that night, I was thinking. He said, it was just like old times. Some part of me agrees. He said he didn't want to hurt me again. That was for sure, cause I cleared to him that it wasn't going anywhere near that. I told him I'm cool us being friends, which is better cause we could have been that a long, long time ago if we only knew how to deal with it then. ♥
Friday, September 10, 2010
It fascinates me that in the most unexpected way things fall either in their right position or they just have a way of returning to you when you least expect it.
I've been itching to text my best friend what happened, why it happened and all the juicy details you usually share with the closest person to you.
Meeting at 4am isn't an ideal meet up time if you ask me. But then again, its been several months since we last saw each other. I obliged. Meeting for breakfast and discussing what to drink after. We headed back to my place still talking about how things had been for the past months.
After a few bottles of beer, we dozed off. He had to get back to work at six and I needed sleep after being awaken at 4.
I got up around a few hours of sleep, looked over the weight that was on me and realized he was actually here. Something I didn't deem possible to happen after all the years of being apart. I pushed back his leg and succumbed to my sleeping. And the unexpected. I felt his arms wrap around me. I felt his breath on my nape...
I was glinting when it was over. He kissed my cheek and I just smiled. He went back to sleep so did I. But I thought I could just doze off something like that. I never sleep for pleasure. It had to be in a relationship or have feelings involved. But me? I didn't feel anything. No love in a malicious context. No longing of being bound by his flesh. No remorse for doing so after. I really don't know. Now that I think about it, it just happened. I didn't even ask him how it felt like again. We are, after all, each others first love. 9 years together then was no joke. And when I thought about it, maybe that's why it didn't feel different because we had so much with each other then. When we started speaking to each other a year ago, it was indeed overwhelming. We caught up with each other through sms, emails and skype. (ahh the technologies) I don't even know if I could answer other questions I'll encounter later ---depends how crazy my mind would work again. But some things I know are he cares for me, and I do too...in a level we never knew we had till several months ago. What happened wasn't closure, that I am certain. Seven years is too late for closure don't you think? Were content with what this is we have. No expectations. No demands. Nothing but friendship. A friendship only him and I understand. Not your regular "fubu" as they coin it.
I don't love him. Come to think of it, I have stopped believing in the whole vocabulary of the feeling. I don't think I have something like that in the torn yet into pieces heart of mine. But loving him in a platonic way maybe--but beyond that, I don't even think we'll get back with each other. Its too late for that now.
I guess its all I have to say till I wake up tomorrow. ♥