Sunday, August 22, 2010

In My Head

Before my monthly board meetings I'm a basket case. I run from one department to another. I cram information from one person to the other. I have to pound each staff and employee for output they should have done two weeks before the said meeting. Oh well.

I'm not blogging about the dead serious stuff. I just want it out of my head.

I have never felt this ecstatic about someone. Whenever he touches my hand. Moves close to me, I shiver. I get a very good grasp of how it feels to be a high school student with a college crush over again. He puts a smile on my face. He greets me. Sometimes he sends me text messages. I reply as well. He smiles at me--a lot. At one time I thought he gave me this look. I knew exactly what it was but I'd rather ignore it and won't flatter myself about it. My friends know about it. Know about him. And I told them, it won't work. I don't even know to begin with if he likes me or not--for starters, I think I'm entitled to know right? At the same time, he doesn't know if I like him or not. Or does he.  Going back, that's one of the reasons I can't fathom to be with him. He's my subordinate. And yes, it matters a lot to me cause it a situation that takes a lot to keep. Takes a lot to hide from the discerning eyes and criticism of narrow-minded people around. Sure I could always say I don't care what they say, but the thing is, I do.

I like him  a lot now. I'm scared cause I know where this could lead. I know myself well enough to tell me to stop when I know the smell of the wind that cliff drives at. And I don't think I'm ready. Whether it be a serious, committed relationship exchange of all or a non-existent boyfriend girlfriend relationship that might as well resemble puff in  the making...I'm not ready. I said I know myself well enough. But I never said I knew where this is going.

Again, I don't even know if he likes me.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

That's Alright, 13

♥Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
Well that's alright because I love the way you lie
I Love the way you lie ♥

I was watching Eminem and Rihanna's latest video when the lyrics of this song made me think. I'm not in a relationship right now. I don't  really think I will be in one anytime soon. Or anytime at all. But I do have someone I  endear so much. She's one of the sweetest person I know, atleast here at work. I've only gone out with her once. And I wish there were more of those 5 hour long talks over coffee and pasta. Sigh. She was also the first person I've laid eyes on on my first day at work. Instantly I've liked her, but I don't think its right to say its a possibility to fall inlove with her.  I wish, really I could. But I won't. And I can't.

The lyrics that say there might not be a next time may mean differently to me. Not because there is a possibility of her and me.  But because, there might not be a next time for me to tell her these. And it doesn't matter much. I've decided not to tell her how I feel. Let her think at the back of her head what could have been if she knew. Let her think how could she have reacted and acted after she finds out. Leave her to have these crazy thoughts in her head. Soon enough she'll come running to me and asking me to spill it.

So, really, that's alright.

What Vanilla Taught Me

I was in tears when I sat infront of my desk and noticed Vanilla's belongings. His huge cat bed, his bowl, his milk and his barely done box of kitten instinctive. I looked so hard at them that tears clouded my eyes from looking. I remember his meows...I recall the way he would make 'kwento' whenever I'd take him into my arms. He's little antics like scratching atop the piled clipboards at the frontdesk. Screaming like he was in pain if ever I mention I was giving him to one of my friend doctors. Or the little way he says "no" when I ask him if he'd like to play with tita Sarah.

I haven't had deaths like this. Sure my work place has its once in a while deaths, but having to go thru it from a different position is a total different story.

Vanilla thought me one of the most valuable lessons there is. Empathy. Understanding how much these little glitches in at work can mess things us. Can destroy reputations. And can financial cause the company a big loss. He may have been an instrument in opening my eyes to see the bigger picture. He has opened another chapter for me to read, to understand and to communicate. He has been the chosen one to tell all of these without even breathing a word. It was Vanilla who told me that things need to be done and things are said even in the most quietly manner. And, I believe it more now. I know that he knows how much I have loved and love him and how grateful I am for all the things he has taught me.

It is not in me to point fingers. I know what has to be done. I know what needs to be rectified. The pain is raw. The loss is deep. But the hope remains that this will and behold that won't happen to another client, friend or colleague moving forward.

Thank you my baby Vanilla. You will be missed, always.

June 21, 2010 - August 7, 2010