Sunday, August 22, 2010

In My Head

Before my monthly board meetings I'm a basket case. I run from one department to another. I cram information from one person to the other. I have to pound each staff and employee for output they should have done two weeks before the said meeting. Oh well.

I'm not blogging about the dead serious stuff. I just want it out of my head.

I have never felt this ecstatic about someone. Whenever he touches my hand. Moves close to me, I shiver. I get a very good grasp of how it feels to be a high school student with a college crush over again. He puts a smile on my face. He greets me. Sometimes he sends me text messages. I reply as well. He smiles at me--a lot. At one time I thought he gave me this look. I knew exactly what it was but I'd rather ignore it and won't flatter myself about it. My friends know about it. Know about him. And I told them, it won't work. I don't even know to begin with if he likes me or not--for starters, I think I'm entitled to know right? At the same time, he doesn't know if I like him or not. Or does he.  Going back, that's one of the reasons I can't fathom to be with him. He's my subordinate. And yes, it matters a lot to me cause it a situation that takes a lot to keep. Takes a lot to hide from the discerning eyes and criticism of narrow-minded people around. Sure I could always say I don't care what they say, but the thing is, I do.

I like him  a lot now. I'm scared cause I know where this could lead. I know myself well enough to tell me to stop when I know the smell of the wind that cliff drives at. And I don't think I'm ready. Whether it be a serious, committed relationship exchange of all or a non-existent boyfriend girlfriend relationship that might as well resemble puff in  the making...I'm not ready. I said I know myself well enough. But I never said I knew where this is going.

Again, I don't even know if he likes me.

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