I don't know how I even started writing tonight. For days now I have been secluded to the far realms of facing the biggest loss up to date. If you've read my previous blog "The Toughest Decision" this is the continuation.
Two Saturdays ago was the most painful day of my life. For this once I will speak on MY behalf. It is, MY blog after all. On the knowledge of giving up my babies (Lemony ; Kiwi ; Oncey ; Cofi [11/2] & Tiggy ) we headed to P.A.W.S. to have them taken in if not adopted at first sight. Surprise! Surprise! I would say, when we got there, this lady by the name of Anna attended to us. And may I say, she is the heartless of them all considering the way she treated us. Life's a bitch, you don't need to be one. She started speaking about not being able to help us and said there is nothing for her to do but take their pictures and post them up for adoption. She spoke on and on and on but my ears were shut from the hurt that I was already feeling and my brain just directed my body to feel one emotion that minute. Numbness. All she said was a blur. All her actions seems like a slow yet fast paced scene from the movie when everybody around you is scurrying from here to there and you're stuck rooted to where you're seated watching everything go by so fast. And I sat there, eyes swollen and tears just about to fall again. I can not believe this woman! I stepped out, following her advice to talk it over with Chriez.
We took out our phones, made phone calls, sent massive text messages and for each reply I only got one reply. No one was willing to take them in. And as if it wasn't hurtful enough, Anna came back with the option of, yes, you're thinking right. Either bring them to the pound (and sure have them slaughtered and abused) or euthanize them. All five of them.
WTF?! Was all I remember my brain screaming over and over again together with the two letter word NO. Over and over again my brain suddenly came to life screaming my ears off inside. I sat there. Unable to look my partner in the eye with the form in her right hand. Courtesy again of Anna. In that exact moment where you had no choice but to sign the form, when all people you thought cared for you just vanished into thin air and those who really cared, offered their silence and empathy, there were no words coming from my mouth but the cries of my pain. And how on earth would I ever live to that? How?
I muttered: "Fine. Sign the damn form." to her and broke down like all hell broke loose. She took me in her arms and let me weep. I wanted to faint. I wanted to scream. I wanted to run back and take all five in my arms and run away with them. But I couldn't move. I couldn't stop my tears and I didn't care if there were people wanting to adopt some mutt behind my chair.
I sat painstakingly as she signed the forms. Her hands were shaking in each line she filled out. Her eyes were welling up in tears for I know how much they have changed a lot in the way she treats pets in general. Particularly Tiggy. Tiggy who imprinted on her some months ago. (Yes imprinting happens in real life) She probably took so long to fill the forms out I wanted to stop her every line her pen landed on. Again, I couldn't move. When Anna came back we gave her the form. But I couldn't and I DIDN'T want to talk to her. I loathed her right there and then. I did.
We waited. Instinctively, all five were too quiet. Lem, being the Mr. Congeniality that he is wasn't restless anymore. He sat inside his carrier with Cofi and Tiggy. Tiggy who's left paw was lovingly on Chriez's shoe. As he, until the last moment, was comforting her and saying, "Its all gonna be alright."
I couldn't stop crying still. Until the doctor approached me and said it was time. Shit. This was it. I sucked up all the remaining courage I had, which was down to an inch, and carried them to the clinic. I felt like exploding once we were all there. We were briefed on how it was going to be done. They were putting them to sleep. And if its any consolation, Anna adds: "They're going to put them to sleep, its just that, they won't ever wake up." Now that's comforting, I wanted to strangle her for real. When Lem was put on the stainless table, he hissed. Not because he didn't want to be put down, but he was scared too. I tried to hold my tears as we tried to locate his vein. But I gave up. I clung to Chriez for dear life and turned around. I was advised to stay out of the room as the whole thing happened. For my sanity and for my babies.
I left the room. Sat right outside where the knob of the door was inches away from my nose. I didn't budge. I absent mindlessly paced around outside like forever. I didn't hear any cry and sound at all that they struggle or they resisted. And I felt like forever. I waited anxiously like each breathe I made mattered to me now. I couldn't help it, I texted her to let me in. She did. And just when I entered the room, there I saw them in their bags, all sound asleep. They didn't look tired. They actually looked like they were actually sleeping. But I know then they were just gonna be like that. Sleeping. For eternity. I turned around after seeing them and succumbed to her chest. I couldn't breathe. Yet I kept crying.
We waited in this huge hall or room while they were brought to us one last time. All five in their carriers sound asleep. I insisted on helping them wrapped. I positioned them in the same way they positioned themselves when they curl up to us at night on our bed. Their bodies were warm but lifeless already. And we managed to dress them decently before being wrapped. Cofi was the last one I held, and her warmth sent me crying like hell over again. Then we waited for another eternity as they dug out their graves. I wanted to really be buried with them, if you only knew how painful this was, and is for me.
They were my life. For years I have never felt so nakedly exposed to all the cruelty in the world. I was always positive cause they became my security blanket. They wrapped me with so much love and security I was tough enough to take on anything. Anything that potentially could break me. But I was so loved, I couldn't break. But that day, I broke the remaining pieces of what was left of me. I couldn't pull myself together, no matter how hard I tried. No matter how much Chriez tried to piece me whole again. I just can't. Right now.
It took me a lot of hours to sit infront of my pc to write---to finally write these. I thought a lot about how Chriez felt or feels when this topic is brought up. I thought of the partial pain she is going through as well. I thought of the words she has spoken almost a week after what happened. "It will all be in vain if we don't start anew. Start fresh with each other. You're not alone. You have me. I'm not going to leave you. They have given their life for us. If you saw them like I did, they didn't fight it at all. They behaved like they knew what was being given up for who. They loved you so much, they were willing to go."
I'm still devastated. Anything to do with them, I don't want to talk about. When repeatedly asked why did it resort to that and was there anyone willing to take them in, I replied in anguish: "All of you tell me that, but no one could tell me WHO will adopt them." and yes I am upset that this happened. So please don't try to add salt to injury by asking me over and over again why no one took them. I asked all of you the same thing, WOULD YOU HAVE TAKEN THEM IN? And you all said, No. There you go.
|In Loving Memory of Kiwi Marie (Photos taken 14 hours before)|
|In Loving Memory of Cofi Bean (Photos taken 14 hours before)|
|In Loving Memory of Lemony Crookshanks (Photos taken 14 hours before)|
|In Loving Memory of Once Again (Photos taken 14 hours before)|
|In Loving Memory of Tiggy Miguel (Photos taken 14 hours before)|