Sunday, February 13, 2011
Quintessential Beings v.2
I don't know exactly if I got my heart broken or just felt a little hurt on how she reacted when she finally found out "i love her". No I wasn't crushed by her reaction but it sure felt parallel to that.
02.11.11 I made her breakfast, the usual routine of getting up two hours before her and making her meal. This time I thought of whipping up pancakes and not just the ordinary round ones. I actually carved out the letters "I" and "U" and a heart from extra pancakes. Fixed them on a plate and woke her up. Maan, (who shall be referred as Siobe from hereon) and her hubby, Otits arrived home early and I felt embarrassed having to bring out the pancakes for them to see. (blushing heavily) I was teased about it and I missed seeing her reaction to her breakfast. But Siobe told me she was happy about it. Then if so, why did it hurt when she asked about it?
Last night, retiring to bed, she asked me: "Since when?" I knew what she meant. Since when did I know that I love her? Why are these things flow charted in the first place? Isn't it suppose to be something that goes on without contingency plans? Without plan B? Ugh. For most of the conversation I kept quiet. I was embarrassed. I felt like a fool as a matter of fact for telling her that, yes, I love you! Damn it. Am I suppose to regret saying it in the first place? No I don't. I'd rather try a soft launch like that, than having to actually "SAY" it to her face and get shut out after.
She asked me if I'm scared. Of what exactly? I answered her:
"I'm not scared of telling you. I'm not scared you won't say it back, I'm scared you'd shut me out."
"Why would I shut you out?" she replies.
I sighed. Safe answer: "I don't know". But I knew. I just chose to keep quiet about it. She hasn't heard those words or used them for that matter in the longest time. Which got me thinking.
So all of "these" between us is the same thing you do with all the chicks you've been with before me? If that's the case, then, damn! you gotta twisted way of its concept. Is that right? Why do you have to make it so hard to understand? No, not me, on your part. Do I have to map it out for you? Do I need to draw a flowchart and explain the process to you? Do I?