I Just Thought of Saying So

I was humming the other day Glee's version of Only Exception when I realized something. Maybe, just maybe there is such a thing as believing in falling inlove again. Sure I'm in a relationship now, just recently as a matter of fact, but I hate to admit that I haven't said the L word yet and I don't think I will anytime soon. Quite honestly, I am enjoying the singleness I have. That not worrying about someone else's feelings if I played in the circle. That I can flirt with my office mate and not feel bad about it..or go on dates on weekends without considering other people's feelings on it...
But then again, I AM single...atleast not until he comes home and pops the question and then maybe, just maybe I'll straighten up. LOL

In A Relationship?

♥How would you define a relationship? Sure it is generally a tie or degree of kinship or intimacy, but how do you know it’s a real one? That it is an existent understanding between the two of you?

♥I want to know.

♥I have my own reservations. Yes, when I was younger I’d go with the main conclusion that as long as we agreed on being together as a couple and do what couples do, then yes, we are in a relationship. But after my traumatic relationship with my gay-user-not-up-to-no-good ex boyfriend, things have made a 360° for almost everything I believed in. Or thought I believed in. Among them I’d say is being in a relationship.
A few years back I went out with Dennis. He was older than me by several years. At first it started out to be a real online friendship before it became a serious relationship which lasted for a couple of years as well.Then I met Kai, now my ex-girlfriend as well. Things pretty got screwed when I went for ms. gay philippines after.

♥And just before the weekend, while Dennis and I were online it just happened. We've been keeping in touch even then that I was in a relationship with my exes. So its no surprise he knows what had been going on since 2005. Anyhu, when he said he was staying with me when he gets here in January it got me thinking. Pretty assertive eh? And with how our messages where being thrown from one screen to another, I had to ask him if we were exclusive. He said yes unless "I" had others. I had to make it clear that he was actually getting involved with me (again) for the record. He said yes.

♥Well, I refuse to change my facebook status from single to in a relationship with. Told him I won't change it till he changes his status first. Nothing wrong with that. Just don't wanna initiate it.

♥The odd thing is, my heart didn't beat like I just run a triathlon around MOA. My head didn't spin like being in a roller coaster backward. I didn't broadcast to all or sms send to all that I'm happily involved with someone again. Hmmm....and honestly, I don't think I'm inlove. Or near the idea of it, anyways. Have I grown numb for all the hurt I had to go thru? Had I been masked by the fear of really being able to feel the glorious sensations of being in love? I could only shrug.

♥What if this relationship comes to end with us being husband and wife for convenience sake. For the purpose that were both not getting any younger and that it benefits both of us? What if?

♥So, tell me, how would you define a real relationship?

Glenmont Weekend Part I

So I sat beside my best friend on their couch and before I could even begin an opening remark she cut off by saying: "So what, I read your blog and..." trailing after her sentence. All I could do is smile. Emphasizing that "We're just friends" part of my sentence. Being like my older sister, she warned me; "Just because you're lonely doesn't mean that you forget what he has done to you." she says. I nodded. Of course I wouldn't. Who would forget something that's already tattooed within my being? Not unless I be reincarnated as Marcel the shell will I ever forget what I've gone through with him. And no, I'm not THAT lonely to get into a relationship with him. Maybe it just happened and left at that. I won't be seeing him anytime soon that I know of. We haven't spoken in days so I'm not keeping my hopes up. I'd like to think of it as, something that just had to happen. It wasn't even a special event. It just did.
As I headed up to sleep that night, I was thinking. He said, it was just like old times. Some part of me agrees. He said he didn't want to hurt me again. That was for sure, cause I cleared to him that it wasn't going anywhere near that. I told him I'm cool us being friends, which is better cause we could have been that a long, long time ago if we only knew how to deal with it then. ♥

In The Same Place

I

It fascinates me that in the most unexpected way things fall either in their right position or they just have a way of returning to you when you least expect it. 

I've been itching to text my best friend what happened, why it happened and all the juicy details you usually share with the closest person to you. 

Meeting at 4am isn't an ideal meet up time if you ask me. But then again, its been several months since we last saw each other. I obliged. Meeting for breakfast and discussing what to drink after.  We headed back to my place still talking about how things had been for the past months.

After a few bottles of beer, we dozed off. He had to get back to work at six and I needed sleep after being awaken at 4.

I got up around a few hours of sleep, looked over the weight that was on me and realized he was actually here. Something I  didn't deem possible to happen after all the years of being apart. I pushed back his leg and succumbed to my sleeping. And the unexpected. I felt his arms wrap around me. I felt his breath on my nape...

I was glinting when it was over. He kissed my cheek and I just smiled. He went back to sleep so did I. But I thought I could just doze off something like that. I never sleep for pleasure. It had to be in a relationship or have feelings involved. But me? I didn't feel anything. No love in a malicious context. No longing of being bound by his flesh. No remorse for doing so after. I really don't know. Now that I think about it, it just happened. I didn't even ask him how it felt like again. We are, after all, each others first love. 9 years together then was no joke. And when I thought about it, maybe that's why it didn't feel different because we had so much with each other then. When we started speaking to each other a year ago, it was indeed overwhelming. We caught up with each other through sms, emails and skype. (ahh the technologies) I don't even know if I could answer other questions I'll encounter later ---depends how crazy my mind would work again. But some things I know are he cares for me, and I do too...in a level we never knew we had till several months ago. What happened wasn't closure, that I am certain. Seven years is too late for closure don't you think? Were content with what this is we have. No expectations. No demands. Nothing but friendship. A friendship only him and I understand. Not your regular "fubu"  as they coin it. 

I don't love him. Come to think of it, I have stopped believing in the whole vocabulary of the feeling. I don't think I have something like that in the torn yet into pieces heart of mine. But loving him in a platonic way maybe--but beyond that, I don't even think we'll get back with each other. Its too late for that now. 

I guess its all I have to say till I wake up tomorrow. ♥

In My Head

Before my monthly board meetings I'm a basket case. I run from one department to another. I cram information from one person to the other. I have to pound each staff and employee for output they should have done two weeks before the said meeting. Oh well.

I'm not blogging about the dead serious stuff. I just want it out of my head.

I have never felt this ecstatic about someone. Whenever he touches my hand. Moves close to me, I shiver. I get a very good grasp of how it feels to be a high school student with a college crush over again. He puts a smile on my face. He greets me. Sometimes he sends me text messages. I reply as well. He smiles at me--a lot. At one time I thought he gave me this look. I knew exactly what it was but I'd rather ignore it and won't flatter myself about it. My friends know about it. Know about him. And I told them, it won't work. I don't even know to begin with if he likes me or not--for starters, I think I'm entitled to know right? At the same time, he doesn't know if I like him or not. Or does he.  Going back, that's one of the reasons I can't fathom to be with him. He's my subordinate. And yes, it matters a lot to me cause it a situation that takes a lot to keep. Takes a lot to hide from the discerning eyes and criticism of narrow-minded people around. Sure I could always say I don't care what they say, but the thing is, I do.

I like him  a lot now. I'm scared cause I know where this could lead. I know myself well enough to tell me to stop when I know the smell of the wind that cliff drives at. And I don't think I'm ready. Whether it be a serious, committed relationship exchange of all or a non-existent boyfriend girlfriend relationship that might as well resemble puff in  the making...I'm not ready. I said I know myself well enough. But I never said I knew where this is going.

Again, I don't even know if he likes me.

That's Alright, 13

♥Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
Well that's alright because I love the way you lie
I Love the way you lie ♥

I was watching Eminem and Rihanna's latest video when the lyrics of this song made me think. I'm not in a relationship right now. I don't  really think I will be in one anytime soon. Or anytime at all. But I do have someone I  endear so much. She's one of the sweetest person I know, atleast here at work. I've only gone out with her once. And I wish there were more of those 5 hour long talks over coffee and pasta. Sigh. She was also the first person I've laid eyes on on my first day at work. Instantly I've liked her, but I don't think its right to say its a possibility to fall inlove with her.  I wish, really I could. But I won't. And I can't.

The lyrics that say there might not be a next time may mean differently to me. Not because there is a possibility of her and me.  But because, there might not be a next time for me to tell her these. And it doesn't matter much. I've decided not to tell her how I feel. Let her think at the back of her head what could have been if she knew. Let her think how could she have reacted and acted after she finds out. Leave her to have these crazy thoughts in her head. Soon enough she'll come running to me and asking me to spill it.

So, really, that's alright.

What Vanilla Taught Me

I was in tears when I sat infront of my desk and noticed Vanilla's belongings. His huge cat bed, his bowl, his milk and his barely done box of kitten instinctive. I looked so hard at them that tears clouded my eyes from looking. I remember his meows...I recall the way he would make 'kwento' whenever I'd take him into my arms. He's little antics like scratching atop the piled clipboards at the frontdesk. Screaming like he was in pain if ever I mention I was giving him to one of my friend doctors. Or the little way he says "no" when I ask him if he'd like to play with tita Sarah.

I haven't had deaths like this. Sure my work place has its once in a while deaths, but having to go thru it from a different position is a total different story.

Vanilla thought me one of the most valuable lessons there is. Empathy. Understanding how much these little glitches in at work can mess things us. Can destroy reputations. And can financial cause the company a big loss. He may have been an instrument in opening my eyes to see the bigger picture. He has opened another chapter for me to read, to understand and to communicate. He has been the chosen one to tell all of these without even breathing a word. It was Vanilla who told me that things need to be done and things are said even in the most quietly manner. And, I believe it more now. I know that he knows how much I have loved and love him and how grateful I am for all the things he has taught me.

It is not in me to point fingers. I know what has to be done. I know what needs to be rectified. The pain is raw. The loss is deep. But the hope remains that this will and behold that won't happen to another client, friend or colleague moving forward.

Thank you my baby Vanilla. You will be missed, always.

June 21, 2010 - August 7, 2010