I got off the bus at my usual stop at Mantrade this rainy morning. As a usual route, I looked for my white cat (as posted in my recent blog) who greets me by the stop when I get off. I saw him there today. Crunched under the pouring rain beside a plastic bag of wet rice. And something very surprising happened. Tears started falling uncontrollably. So I continued walking toward the elevator of the MRT. As I ascended the first step I saw another white cat nestled near the corner step of the stairs before the elevator. He was looking up at the rain as if he was wishing for the downpour to stop. I said a warm "hello" and he looked up at me. As if my tears had their own cue, my tears fell some more.
Then something in my head said: "I guess you're not ready to have another living thin in your life just yet. Not a dog, not a fish and definitely not yet a CAT." That made my tears hard to hold as I sat in my usual spot on the train and let my hair fall all over my face. I didn't want to catch anymore attention as I felt my walls soar high to the heavens not even God would want to look in. I wrapped myself with the emotion that I myself can't control. I don't know exactly what happened. It gushed out like an open floodgate. It kept on until I sat on my desk today. And as I type the tears won't halt. I survived a meeting with tears welling up and pretended I had the flu coming and my nose is irritated. Of course, my boss didn't buy that. I had to tell him this will pass and that maybe I just miss my parents. I could not bare tell him what March 19, 2011 has done to me. Its too much to even talk about with my boss. Plus, the fact that work is perfectly doing good. ( I try to smile)
I want to cry the whole day today. Gusto kong sumabay sa panaghoy ng panahon na tila inuudyok lang ang damdamin kong nagpipighati. WTF.
Just today, I don't need the usual doses of sarcasm and ridicule. A little space and a smile is fine.