Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Letting Go

Something happened today. 

Its been ages since my last blog. And I'm not writing why I'm back and hitting the keys again. I just wanted to get it out of my chest. 

My partner has been promoted and recently just got official. Now an IT Sup, its a whole different world for her and different adjustments have to be made --and I don't mean that in a bad way. It's all good.  But this morning I got a text message that just a few words and that hit right thru me. I knew what was coming, I just didn't want to evade it. I had to deal with it, otherwise, it won't help this sorting. Sigh.

I had a long awarding moment with my boss. I felt so bad about it I literally wanted to push myself off the balcony. I listened to what she had to say, and I know I have my shortcomings. I wouldn't deny that. Lately had been pretty tough considering the things I'm trying to bounce back from. She told me in a nice way, although firm and stern at the same time. I really felt ashamed of myself. Felt like a failure and really, total embarrassment. I might have been thrown off balance with the orders I've been getting. I have been juggling from  appointments, to presentations to clients, to government offices and at the end of the day, I realize doing it alone is tiring and sometimes frustrating. After the ten minute awarding ( just a slang term), I kept quiet and stared at the table with phone numbers of all the people I was following up on. Then my eyes got blurry and before I knew it, a previous colleague came knocking at my door. I stood up and was well into tears and funny, how she was carrying food in the other hand and soda in the other. She said, "I hope its alright to just pop here today...I needed someone to talk to." I led her in and we sat at the table. I apologized for crying and told her I just feel like such a huge disappointment at the moment. 

She had a huge weight as well, her mom being ill at the moment, the burdens she has to deal with day to day. I listened drying my eyes from time to time and she listened to me as well. I told her I might have messed up in trying to balance everything that's going on with work and my business now. I feel like a total loser. Really. I told her that maybe all of these have been signs. Have reasons. Or so she kept saying. 

A few weeks ago, during an activation, I suddenly felt outcasted. The event was great, a success indeed. However, I felt that hollowness of being suspended in the air. That you're presence wasn't needed. That you really didn't matter all this time. I was glad the event was over because I didn't like the feeling that went for hours. I couldn't have felt so low...

Going back to friend and I, she comforted me, the best way she can. i listened to her when she said: "C, baka naman all things are falling into their right places na. Kahit di ka ready basta hinog ang panahon, dadating sa iyo yan. Magaling ka. Sa chocolates mo palang, alam mo yan. Kung tanggap naman ng boss mo na your passion is in doing your chocolates, baka naman kailangan niyo magusap. I'm sure di one sided ang boss mo."

I kept quiet as she talked about signs, blessings and yes, faith. If there was one thing I tried to hold on to, it was faith. You think they're right? Not that I doubt them, I just feel like a sore loser now. I feel like I've let down my boss, my friend and of course myself. I got so stretched --thinly that at the end of the day, I'd sigh and just ask myself how hard it is. There are times I won't have more than two hours sleep and still come up short with things that needed to be done. 

Right now, I just feel bad. Can someone stick a huge L on my forehead?

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